Secret Rush

It seems silence has fallen upon me.

I await something that will never come. For I have made it this way. But I do not want it.

Does that make sense?

Merry Christmas

:)

Recieved a messages from two angels yesterday.

It made me feel amazing. :)

I haven’t heard from either of them in so so long.

:)

“My heart is full of so many things to say to you - ah - there are moments when I feel that speech amounts to nothing at all - Cheer up - remain my true, my only treasure, my all as I am yours. The gods must send us the rest, what for us must and shall be”

Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.

ever thine
ever mine
ever ours

I can finally see that you’re right there beside me.
I am not my own, for I have been made new.
Please don’t let me go, I desperately need you.
I am not my own, for I have been made new.
Please don’t let me go, I desperately need you.

Just another morning. I guess it could have been a lot better. The past couple of days I wish I could have just runn away for awhile. Stress levels have gone down thankfully.

(Sitting in Mr.Perkins… just realized i had my ipod in and it was off…. -.-)

Anyway I am looking forward to vaca. It is much needed.

(Drinking this eggnog this weekend… OMG… so good. Brandy, Rum, and Whiskey. <3)

I wish I could have been there.

I really need to talk with you 
I keep stepping on the vein 
That keeps my lifeline flowing thru 
I wanna be your perfect stick of glue 
But I don’t feel perfect at all 
Sad and insecure flaw 

I find it hard to hold conversation 
I get sweaty sick and I wanna walk away 
Its not you its strictly me in this situation 
I’m wondering will it ever go away…just go away 

sometimes I feel like weeping 
awake and when I’m sleeping 
perfecting how to put a game face on 

this puzzle I’ve been keeping 
has been in hiding creeping out the closet door 
spilling out onto the floor 

How long will I be picking up pieces 
How long will I be picking up my heart 

I’ll be as honest as I feel 
I’m getting more paranoid and I’m hearing things 
And they never turn out real 
It feels like my heart is made of pure steel 
It’s just so heavy all the time 

Yea I’m scared of death 
And I’m scared of living 
I gave up on the past cause it’s unforgiving 
I misplaced my trust 

I watched my word begin to rust 
I’m a balloon about to bust 
I need a place for reliving 

But sometimes I feel like weeping 
awake and when I’m sleeping 
perfecting how to put a game face on 

this puzzle I’ve been keeping 
has been in hiding creeping out the closet door 
spilling out onto the floor 

How long will I be picking up pieces 
How long will I be picking up my heart 

How long (in another space and time) 
Will I be picking up pieces in the corner of my mind 
How long (its getting oh so hard to find) 
Keep picking up pieces in the corner of my mind 
But I still walk on

“I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new. And you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.”

I’ve found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said “Journeys end in lovers meeting.” What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said “love is blind”. Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night.

And then, there’s another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love.

Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas’, the worst Birthday’s, New Years Eve’s brought in by tears and valium.

These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I’ve been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can’t swallow! All the usual symptoms.

“The Holiday” - Kate Winslet <3

I think I’ll be okay now.